2002-03-12

Actually this isnt true either. it sounds great but its not true. I dont wan to live a perct and happy life although this seems to be everybody's aim. Maybe thats why i wrote it but tis such a clichee and so boring. I think id kill me. I just wan to e more content with my life than i ma now. I want the tragedies, I want the depressions but I dont want it to be all i have. I want the mixture and thats what I cant get.

Joy wrote me today, telling me that hes nearly finished the book were working on and sking me if id like to helo him with his bbok 'suicide poems'. Im not sure if i want. of course ive got a lot of things that I could contribute but Im not sure if I want them to be that public. If I write them down just here ive got some sort of control over them. But in a book although thats what im longing for sometimes. Someone to tell that what Im writing sounds good. But i want it to be honest. Shut up, i konw thats too much!

Still I decided to post the poems I emailed joy today.

CALAMITY JANE

Through the desert of her mind
She is wand'ring plating weed
She prays to god she got it wrong
Only heaven to the strong
She's insane" I hear them call
She is lost without a clue"

There's a place within her mind
Where the rain keeps falling in
She is waiting for the sign
This miserable frinend of mine
She's insame" I hear them laugh
Making jokes behind her back

She predicts the new ice age
On backtalk she reacts with rage
She's the modern Cassandra
Who speaks a truth that no one hears
She's insane" I hear them say
"She's a danger for us all"

Lying naked on the floor
She's never been that clear before
Crystal stars that fll her veins
Precious things crack under strain
She's insane " I hear them cry
"She's an armaggedon witch"

Run and hide

Run and hide
in the corner of your mind